Shadow Snark chapter 9
by Sharona Magliozzo
Summary: A fantastic story of night time fun
1. Chapter 1

Shadow Snark an MLPFIM Fanfic

By Sharona Magliozzo

A tale about an original character in the universe of Equestria. Rated T for some language and suggestive themes.

The sun rose calmly over the hills outside Canterlot, and Shadow Snark rose with it. Shadow Snark was a black Pegasus with solid iron wings, blazing red eyes, a black cloak he always wore, a cutie mark showing a diagnosis for antisocial personality disorder, and a deadpan disposition. He had gotten up early enough to see Princess Luna fly off when the dawn came, ever since she was freed from the moon and reverted back to her true form. As he stared at her fine flanks as she flew off into the distance Shadow Snark decided that he should probably focus on some of his experiments while he was up since her flanks were about to disappear into the distance. Shadow Snark was the head scribe at Canterlot castle which meant he spent all day doing nothing but write letters to Princess Celestia's various contacts around Equestria.

The job was especially horrible when she needed to send something sexy.

In his down time he had experiments to keep himself busy, right now he was trying to create a flaming woodpecker. Shadow Snark took the chemical he had mixed up the previous day and was carefully about to pour it on a woodpecker he was keeping in a cage, making very sure not to spill more than a drop on it, when the door opened quickly and a voice rang out "Shadow Snark!" Shadow Snark then dropped the entire beaker on the woodpecker which combusted immediately. "Celestia damn it Shining Armor!" yelled Shadow Snark.

"Oh jeez sorry…" said Shining Armor

"It's fine." Said Shadow Snark

"I really am sorry I just-"

"It's fine. Now what was worth incinerating a woodpecker over?"

"Princess Celestia wanted to speak to you."

"And that isn't something you could put on some parchment and slip under a door?"

"By Celestia, you are antisocial."

Shadow Snark remained silent and merely trotted past Shining Armor so that he could do his job and get back to the sanctity of his experiments as soon as possible. He did of course realize the truth in Armors words, he was antisocial, but how could he not be? Ponies always insisted on mindless prattle when there was work to be done. Eventually he reached Celestia's throne room. "Hello my Princess, who do you need me to right for you?" he said with the utmost respect.

"Nothing" said Princess Celestia

"Then why did you call me down here?" asked Shadow Snark

"Because, I'm sending you away on a mission to Ponyville to learn about friendship."

"You're sending me to that backwater, semi racist, insane asylum to learn about friendship?"

"See that's why you're getting sent away. More importantly it has yielded great results with my top student Twilight Sparkle."

"Where am I supposed to stay?"

"You have family there."

"Only my cousin Shine Down! And he's… different."

"Stay there anyway, you need the attitude adjustment."

"How will I get there?"

"You're a Pegasus, fly!"

"Uh Iron wings? Remember? At best they just glide?"

"Then you get a carriage."

"Crap."

And so Shadow Snark boarded the carriage and headed off to Ponyville accepting that it was his fate to go there and likely kill himself over the overwhelming excitement and general idiocy that was sure to follow. He arrived around noon the next day outside his cousin's house and got off the carriage.

"Thanks" Shadow Snark said to the carriage pony

"Uhh tip?" said the carriage pony

"Oh sorry, comb your hair it looks like birds made a nest in it." Said Shadow Snark, "Sorry I didn't give you a tip in the first place, I've been a social recluse for the past few years and didn't know I was supposed to give them out."

"A tip is monetary compensation for extra work put into a job." Said the carriage horse

"Oh… sorry." Said Shadow Snark putting money in the tip box, and then walking away embarrassed.

As soon as the carriage left the door of the house slammed open and a chubby, bright yellow pony with a red mane, a cutie mark showing a disco ball, and wearing a satchel stepped out.

"COUSIN!" yelled the pony

"Hello Shine Down." Said Shadow Snark

"HOW ARE YOU! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN YEARS! WHAT'S NEW?"

"I'm fine. Just down here to learn about friendship for Princess Celestia."

"FRIENDSHIP!? WHY I'M AN EXPERT IN FRIENDSHIP! STICK WITH ME AND YOU'LL HAVE FRIENDS IN NO TIME!"

A buzzing noise then came from an object attached to Shine Down's Satchel

"BUT, tragically I must go to work now. TRY GOING TO THAT TWILIGHT SPARKLE GIRL! SHE'S DOING YOUR EXACT SAME MISSION, SHE LIVES IN THAT BIG TREE LIBRARY THING DOWNTOWN! BYE!" said Shine Down and then bolted down the street in a beam of light.

"Uh yeah bye." Said Shadow Snark to no one in particular, then he sauntered down the street and into town. From the corner of his eye he spied a pink pony with balloons for a cutie mark, Celestia did say to make friends and this pony was rather cute so he went up to her and said, "hi I'm Shado-"

The pink pony then gasped and ran away. Shadow Snark stood agape for a moment then exclaimed "What the moon was that?" Before he received an answer a rainbow came out of the sky and knocked him into a puddle of mud.

"Crap this was my best hood." He said lying in the mud when a white unicorn with a purple mane approached him.

"Oh dear" she said, "You look simply dreadful."

"Thanks." Said Shadow Snark,"That makes my day much better."

"Allow me to apologize on Rainbow Dashes behalf, she has little self-control, I'm Rarity by the way."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Shadow Snark, Head Scribe of Canterlot Castle."

"CANTERLOT CASTLE!?" exclaimed Rarity, "Oh I've been most rude to someone in your regal position, come with me let's get you out of those clothes."

"Well aren't you forward." Said Shadow Snark

"Mm hilarious." Said Rarity sarcastically

"Just joking."

The two then went into Rarity's boutique where Shadow Snark went behind a curtain to take off his cloak.

"Hey thanks for giving me some clothes." Said Shadow Snark

"It's no problem at all darling, I've got the perfect cloak for you." Said Rarity

"I ah don't have any money, but I'll pay you back somehow."

"Don't worry about it we'll work out a payment plan, now come out and see your new outfit."

Shadow Snark stepped out from behind the curtain and saw his new outfit, it was a Black cloak, much like his old one, but devoid of patches. In addition there was a fedora with a red feather in it, four black leather boots, and dark sunglasses. He stood agape for a second, then said, "Wow."

"That's all you have to say!? Wow!?" said Rarity

"What else is there to say!? I can't possibly pay for this on a scribes salary."

"Well…" said Rarity sensually, "Perhaps there's _other_ ways you can pay for it." And she leaned in close to him.

"I'd be willing to do… anything." Shadow Snark responded languidly

"Perfect" said Rarity, the she darted away from him and in her normal voice said, "Come by tomorrow to clean the windows, they're filthy, and I have some other odd jobs for you to do, now be on your way, I have things to do."

"Ahhh ok, well thanks for the clothes." Said Shadow Snark

He left the shop, horny and disappointed he walked toward the massive tree his cousin had directed him toward. As he was walking he saw the pink pony with the nice flanks across the street. He yelled a hearty "hello!" she then gasped and back flipped over a house. "Seriously what the moon?" He said.

Eventually he came to the massive tree library and went in.

"Hello!?" he yelled "is Miss Twilight Sparkle here?"

A purple unicorn with a purple and pink mane came trotting down the stairs.

"Twilight Sparkle?" said Shadow Snark

"That would be me." Said Twilight Sparkle

"I am Shadow Snark head scribe of Canterlot Castle, I have been sent here to learn about friendship."

"Wow that exact same thing happened to me."

"Then help me… please."

"With pleasure, I've made tons of progress here. There are some certain ponies you'll definitely need to…"

The pink pony with the nice flanks then burst through the door and said, "Twilight! There's someone new in town and…"

"Hey it's you again!" said Shadow Snark

The pink pony with the nice flanks then gasped and ran out the door.

"Seriously who is that?" asked Shadow Snark

"Thaaat's Pinky Pie, I think she's planning a surprise party to welcome you." Said Twilight Sparkle

"Oh crap I'm no good with ponies."

"It's ok I had to adjust too, but eventually I learned to embrace other ponies."

"You don't understand, look at my cutie mark"

She did and then said, "Is that a diagnosis for Antisocial Personality Disorder?"

"Yes, we thought it meant I was supposed to be a therapist… it did not."

"Yeah that's pretty bad, you just need a select group of friends to interact with, go home and I'll tell Pinky not to throw a huge party."

"Thank you." Said Shadow Snark, he then opened the door to leave when he was hit with the sound of multiple ponies yelling "_**SURPRISE!"**_

End chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

**Shadow Snark Chapter 2**

by Sharona Magliozzo

Shadow Snark nearly had a heart attack from the shock of seeing all the ponies in front of him and stood in stunned silence until Twilight approached him from the side. "On the other hand maybe you'll just have to power through the insanity. I'll try to introduce you to some relatively normal ponies." She said.

"Damn." Said Shadow Snark but agreed none the less.

Twilight Sparkle led him through endless partying ponies- many of which didn't even seem to know the party was for him- until they came to a blue Pegasus with a rainbow mane.

"Hi Rainbow Dash." Said Twilight

"Hey Twilight, who's your friend?" said the Pegasus

"This is Shadow Snark, head scribe for Princess Celestia." Said Twilight

"Nice to meet you." Said the Pegasus

"You knocked me into a puddle of mud this morning." Said Shadow Snark

"Oh…sorry." Said the Pegasus

"It's cool I got nice boots out of it." Said Shadow Snark

"And a window washing job." Said a familiar voice behind Shadow Snark, he turned around to see Rarity behind him.

"Oh so you've met Rarity already?" asked Twilight

"Yes, she gave me this awesome hat and these sick kicks." Said Shadow Snark

"I don't think ponies say sick kicks anymore." Said Rainbow Dash

"I've been in isolation for a few years." Said Shadow Snark "In fact I got sent here so that I could learn to be less socially retarded."

"How's that workin' out for ya?" asked Rainbow Dash sarcastically

"Poorly, my urge to flip out and run from this party screaming and possibly commiting over the top violence is barely contained." Said Shadow Snark

There was an awkward moment of silence in which everyone involved in the previous conversation was super uncomfortable. Eventually Twilight Sparkle broke the awkwardness by saying, "Hey look over there an excuse to leave." She then pushed Shadow Snark away from the group toward the excuse to leave.

"So how am I doing, am I friendly?" asked Shadow Snark

"No, you're socially awkward and ill fit to be around ponies." Said Twilight

"That was blunt."

"Hey I'm still learning myself, let me introduce you to another socially awkward pony. You might like her."

Twilight pushed Shadow Snark until they reached a blonde Pegasus with butterfly wings and a pink mane.

"Hey Shadow Snark, meet-"

"Fluttershy. It's incredibly awkward to see you again." Said Shadow Snark

"Sooooo, you two have met before I take it?" said Twilight

"Yeah. It's kind of a long story." Said both Fluttershy and Shadow Snark turning away from each other

"What happened?" asked Twilight

"oh you know… stuff…" said Fluttershy and Shadow Snark, still avoiding the others glances

"Right, this isn't gonna work." Said Twilight and shoved Shadow Snark along

"I don't think I'm doing so well…" said Shadow Snark

"You'll learn." Said Twilight, "Besides you'll like this next pony."

She continued to push him until they came to an Orange Pony wearing a cowboy hat.

"Applejack, meet Shadow Snark. He's socially retarded and requires knowledge about friendship." Said Twilight

"Ain't learnin' people on friendship more yer department Twilight?" said Applejack

"I learned everything I know about friendship from you, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rain-"

"Yeah yeah the main six I got it. But we weren't all that close until you came around and knitted us into a close knit group of true companions. Perhaps he merely needs to find five stragglers and unite them as you did us."

There was a short pause then Twilight Sparkle said, "That was significantly more perceptive and urbane than usual."

"Yeah I'm pretty smashed on moonshine right now, but it was nice meetin' y'all." Said Applejack then trotted away. After a brief pause Shadow Snark said, "For a drunken hillbilly she was pretty smart. Not bad to look at either."

"Well what do you think?" asked Twilight

"About what?"

"About her idea?"

"It's a good idea if we can find stragglers. Got any ideas as to who I can take?"

"Well Derpy doesn't seem to hang out with anyone, so she's probably available."

"And I don't see my cousin Shine Down anywhere, so he's likely a straggler."

"Let me check, hey Pinky!" Twilight shouted to the pink pony

the pink pony bounced toward Shadow Snark and Twilight

"Yes?" asked Pinky

"Do you know a pony named Shine Down?" asked Twilight

"YEAH! HE'S WEIRDLY LOUD SO HE DOESN'T HAVE MANY FRIENDS! ALSO DISCO WENT OUT OF STYLE YEARS AGO! THATS WHY WE HIRED VINYL SCRATCH! ISN'T TECHNO GREAT? HEY HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY WE HAVE TECHNO MUSIC AND DJ TABLES BUT NO OTHER FORMS OF TECHNOLOGY ASIDE FROM OVENS AND SEWING MACHINES? HOLYFREAKINCRAPITHINKI'MONTOSOMETHING! IT'S PERPLEXING! OH LOOK CAKE BYE!" answered Pinky and then left.

"Well from what I got from all that... general nonsense my cousin is in fact a straggler." said Shadow Snark

"Perfect! Now we just need three more stragglers." Said Twilight

"I can develop and get ponies to join my cabal as we progress on this whole friendship thing. For now, where's that Derpy girl you spoke so highly of?" asked Shadow Snark

"She's the one over there eating muffins. Now go socialize, you two might have something in common."

Shadow Snark trotted over to the pegasus refered to as Derpy

"Hi I'm Shadow Snark." said Shadow Snark, "I understand your a straggler with no true companions, would you like to join my cadre?"

"Huh?" asked the crosseyed pegasus

"You don't have friends, do you want one?"

"I have friends!" said Derpy, "Like Rainbow Dash! Right Rainbow Dash?"

"No!" Yelled Rainbow Dash across the chaos

"Oh ok, guess I don't have friends, yeah I'll take that friendship offer now." said Derpy

"Your rather... euphoric for someone who just learned they don't have any friends." said Shadow Snark

"I have friends."

"Just me as it turns out."

"There's also Rainbow Dash. Right Rainbow Dash?"

"What did I tell you eight seconds ago Derpy?" shouted Rainbow Dash

"Oh right, sorry I forgot." said Derpy

There was a short pause then Shadow Snark said, "You're pretty smashed on moonshine, huh?"

"Nope." said Derpy

Another short pause followed

"Are you sure?" asked Shadow Snark

"Yup." said Derpy

Yet another short pause followed

"Well I'm going to get smashed, I can't take another second of this party sober."

And so Shadow Snark got totally smashed and the rest of the night was a blur, he may have done the robot or possibly the worm, thankfully his dignity was preserved by the fact that Youtube had not been invented. He woke up at noon the next day staring at Derpy.

End Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

**Shadow Snark chapter 3**

**By Sharona Magliozzo**

"What are you doing, standing over me Derpy?" asked Shadow Snark

"Watching you sleep." Replied Derpy

"And you don't find anything wrong with that?"

"No."

There was a short pause before Shadow Snark said, "We didn't like… you know…"

"What?" asked Derpy

"You know… sex."

"No. Why do you want to?"

"What!?"

"Do you want to? Sorry I don't speak so well sometimes."

"No it wasn't the whole speech impediment thing. It's just not something you recommend offhand"

"So you don't want to?"

"Well…"

But before he could answer Shine Down burst into the room.

"COUSIN! HOW ARE YOU!? YOU WERE TOTALLY HAMMERED LAST NIGHT! I'M NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING HERE AM I!?" said Shine Down

"We were going to have sex." Said Derpy

"WHAT!? No!" said Shadow Snark

"NO NEED TO BE ASHAMED COUSIN! SHE'S VERY PRETTY! WHO CARES ABOUT THE WHOLE BRAIN PROBLEM!?" said Shine Down

"Brain problem?" said Shadow Snark

"Yeah she's got you know problems… up there." Said Shine Down

There was a short awkward pause then Shadow Snark said

"Well this is all very interesting, but I have to clean miss Rarity's windows."

"Why? Do you want to have sex with her?" asked Derpy

"NOT ALL MY INTERACTIONS IN LIFE REVOLVE AROUND SEX!" yelled Shadow Snark

"Then why?" asked Shine Down

"To learn about friendship and pay for my boots." Said Shadow Snark

"Can I come?" asked Derpy

"Sure… why?" said Shadow Snark

"Because we're friends now." Said Derpy

"I don't get it what do you want in return?" asked Shadow Snark

"Nothing. This is what friends do." Said Derpy

There was another short pause

"Huh that's… interesting. I'll have to tell the Princess about this revelation later."

And so the two left for Rarity's boutique, when they arrived they were met with yelling and hysteria.

"NONONONONONONONONONO." Said Rarity, "This simply will not do!"

"Look if this is about bringing help, I knew people weren't just supposed to help people out of the kindness of their hearts and a bond of companionship!" said Shadow Snark

"Not that!" Said Rarity, "Her! She's… accident prone…"

"Oh I thought she had some sort of mental disability."

There was an awkward pause

"Was that sarcasm or are you just stupid?" said Rarity

"Little bit of both." Said Shadow Snark, "But I'm sure she'll be careful, come on let 'er help!"

"Okay… but I want everything intact when I return!"

"Come on, we're just washing windows what could she possibly do?"

Five minutes later Shadow Snark and Derpy were having this conversation

"How could you possibly do this!?"asked Shadow Snark

"I just don't know what could have happened! I was jumping on the rain cloud to get the windows wet and…" said Derpy

"The rainclouds?"

"Yep."

"The _acid_ rainclouds!?"

"That's a good brand right?"

There was a short pause

"Yes Derpy it's a phenomenal brand, for when you want to ruin a pony's shingles."

"Oh good I thought I messed up."

There was yet another short pause

"Well what do you propose we do about these ruined shingles?" asked Shadow Snark

"oh oh oh ohohohohohohoh!" said Derpy bouncing around and waving her hoof

"Yes Derpy?"

"What if I get the shingles while you wash the windows!?"

"Phenomenal plan Derpy. Aaaand break."

There was a short pause

"Break what?" asked Derpy

"Just go buy shingles." Said Shadow Snark

And so Derpy left to go buy shingles, while Shadow Snark washed windows. Eventually Twilight Sparkle walked by.

"Hey Twilight Sparkle!" yelled Shadow Snark

"Oh hey! Shadow Snark, whatcha doing up there?" yelled Twilight Sparkle

"Washing windows."

"Why are you using a platform? Aren't you a Pegasus?"

"Yeah but I have wings made of iron. Badass as it is I can really only glide. What's going on with you?"

"Oh I just got these two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala."

"Have you thought of who to take?"

"I will kill you!"

"Jeez sorry."

"No I am, I just haven't had anything to eat and my friends are pestering me to bring them to the gala."

"Can't you just ask for more tickets? I mean you and Celestia are pretty close." Said Shadow Snark

"Well I don't want to come off as greedy." Said Twilight

Twilight trotted away and after a few minutes a wheelbarrow full of shingles came speeding out of nowhere, hit a small rock, and threw all the shingles into the windows. Shadow Snark stood in shocked silence as Derpy flew up beside him.

"I'm sorry." Said Derpy, "I can fix this."

Then Rarity came running by.

"SHADOW SNARK!" she yelled

"Look I can fix this!" said Shadow Snark

"It doesn't matter! Go down to Twilight Sparkles house wash her windows and tell her I sent you."

"Why?"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER JUST DO IT! MY PRINCE IS AT STAKE!"

"Huh?"

"GO!" said Rarity and then promptly left

"Alright, I'll go to Twilight's house. Derpy you stay here and fix the windows and shingles." Said Shadow Snark

"You can count on me." Said Derpy

And so Shadow Snark left for Twilight Sparkles house. When he arrived he knocked on the door. A baby dragon answered. "Yes?" said the dragon

"Yeah, hi, is Twilight here?"

"Oh sure come in. She's in the library."

So Shadow Snark trotted into the library

"Oh hey Shadow, what's up?" asked Twilight

"Rarity told me to come by and wash your windows." Said Shadow Snark

"Oh don't worry we resolved that, you can go back home."

"Oh thanks… so who's the dragon?"

"That's Spike. He's my baby dragon."

"Oh… how'd that happen?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean how do a dragon and a pony… copulate."

"EXCUSE ME!?"

"Not that there's anything wrong with it! The sheer physics are just mind boggling."

"I do not… do that… with dragons!"

"Oh… how did you get a-"

"He was given to me as an egg. I'm more like a big sister, and furthermore, you don't just ask people how they have sex!"

"Isolated for years!" yelled Shadow Snark, then an explosion erupted in the distance.

"That looks like it came from Rarity's house!" Yelled Twilight

"Oh… crap." Said Shadow Snark

He ran as quickly as possible to Rarity's house and was relieved to see that not only was the house still intact but shingled and windowed. "Oh thank god, I thought Derpy blew the entire house up." Said Shadow Snark. Derpy then appeared next to him and said, "Yup, I accidentally blew up the Laundromat next to it." Shadow Snark stood in stunned silence, from the depths of his brain came the knowledge of friendship. He knew what he had to do. "Derpy go home." he said

"What?" asked Derpy

"Derpy you're a walking disaster. You destroy everything you touch, I know you're just trying to help, but please just stop."

There was a short pause and then Derpy said, "Well thanks for letting me down easy. Most people are really blunt. Bye." And then she left.

Shadow Snark then explained himself to the Laundromat owner who thankfully had homeowners insurance. He then went home and flopped himself onto the couch. He was happy to have found peace for a bit.

Then Shine Down came in. "HEY COUSIN! HOW WAS YOUR DAY!? DID YOU AND THAT DERPY GIRL FINISH YOUR JOB!? DID YOU AND HER EVER DO THE DEED!?" he said

"Well we did wash all the windows but she ruined the shingles and blew up a Laundromat. Thankfully I learned an important lesson about friendship." Said Shadow Snark

"WOW YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WRITE THE PRINCESS ABOUT THAT!"

"You know I think I will"

And so he did the letter went like this.

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_ Today I learned an important lesson about friendship, friends help each other for nothing in return. When the going gets tough you can always count on your friends to help you out. But more importantly, when your friends are totally awful at what they're doing you have to tell them, or they'll end up blowing up a Laundromat._

_ -Shadow Snark_

_P.S. when can I get out of here?_

"Great, now I just need to send it. Bring me my obsidian portal." Said Shadow Snark

"Obsidian portal?" asked Shine Down

"Yeah it's the black thing in my bag with all the ancient runes. It has a direct link to the Princess."

"THAT'S AWESOME!"

He ran out of the room and then ran back in now holding the portal, then he put it down on the table.

"HERE YOU ARE COUSIN!" he said

"Thank you." said Shadow Snark and sent the letter through

End Chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

**Shadow Snark chapter 4**

**By Sharona Magliozzo**

Shadow Snark rose with the sun as always, he saw the beautiful weather on this Sunday morning and said, "This weeks gonna blow." Then as if perpetrated by divine forces Shine Down and Derpy burst into his room.

"COUSIN LETS GO OGLE NURSES AT THE HOSPITAL!" said Shine Down

"And I got a drivers license!" yelled Derpy

It took a small bit of time for Shadow Snark to take all this in, eventually he said, "They gave you a license?"

"IT'S BOUND TO RESULT IN A GREAT NUMBER OF FEMALE DRIVER JOKES!" said Shine Down

"I'm not concerned about her gender, I'm more concerned about her… mental disposition." Said Shadow Snark

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Derpy

"It means you're easily distracted, highly accident prone, and aren't the brightest crayon in the box." Said Shadow Snark

"DUDE THAT'S NOT RIGHT! YOU LET THEM DOWN EASY! DON'T BE SO BLUNT!" said Shine Down

"Actually I'm fine with his bluntness, its kind of a mental disability when you think about it, being impatient with him would make me a Hippogriff."

There was a short pause before Shadow Snark said "Hypocrite?"

"I am not!" said Derpy

"I'm not calling you a hypocrite!"

"But you just did!"

"No! I was questioning your grasp of the Equestrian language."

"Oh, that's ok then."

"PONIES! PONIES! WE'RE FORGETTING THE REASON WE INVADED MY COUSINS PRIVACY IN THE FIRST PLACE! WE HAVE NURSES!" Shine Down chimed in

"Derpy, why do you want to go?" asked Shadow Snark

"I want to drive some more! It's so fun, did you know you get extra points for hitting the disabled!?"

There was a brief period of silence before Shadow Snark said, "By Celestia you best be kiddin' girl."

"To the Derpymobile!" yelled Derpy

"Is that what we're calling your car?" asked Shadow Snark

"No that's what we're calling my van!" yelled Derpy, and then they all went out to the Derpymobile.

"This… is the Derpymobile?" asked Shadow Snark. He was perplexed, the Derpymobile was a white windowless van with shag carpeting, fuzzy dice, and a disco ball. Atop the roof was a statue of Derpy.

"It's cool isn't it, can you believe it was only two hundred thousand bits or dollars or whatever we use." yelled Derpy

"Given you bought it, yes, entirely." Said Shadow Snark

"WE'RE WASTING TIME! TO THE HOSPITAL!" yelled Shine Down

And so they all piled into Derpy's van, Shadow took the passenger seat, feeling he may need to take the wheel at some point.

As the Derpymobile sped along the highway, Shadow began getting annoyed. As yet far she had hit three stop signs, two yield signs, six fruit carts and a satellite somehow.

"The amount of money we're going to have to pay for this is going to be astronomical." Said Shadow Snark

"WE!?" asked Shine Down, "WHY WE!? AM I PART OF THIS WE!? BECAUSE I'M NOT PAYING FOR A SATTELITE! THOSE THINGS COST LIKE, A BILLION BITS, OR DOLLARS OR WHATEVER WE USE!"

"Look we're friends, and from what I've been told we're supposed to do things for each other." Said Shadow

"NOT WHEN IT INCLUDES PAYING FOR A SATTELITE!" yelled Shine Down

"Yeah, cause it's not like I work for a physical goddess or anything who can just fix this in seconds. Derpy remember turn signals." Said Shadow

"I can't! The lever requires thumbs!" said Derpy

"Then it's a great idea you bought this car." Said Shadow

"Wait I have an idea! I'll use my teeth!" said Derpy

"Oh that's a brilliant idea Derpy, waitthatwassarcasm!" said Shadow Snark,

Then they hit another car.

"I just don't know what went wrong." Said Derpy

"What went wrong was that you hit the only other car in town." Said Shadow Snark

A being emerged from the other car, it's flesh was black, burnt, and rotted. Its eyes a sickly green color. Then it changed into a brown pony.

"I saw that." Said Shadow

"Saw what?" asked the brown pony

"You changing." Said Shadow

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the brown pony, "Only changelings can change form and as you can see I am no changling." Said the not-changeling

"He's got you there, he doesn't look like a changeling." Said Derpy

"They're changelings! They change! It's in their name!" said Shadow Snark

"It's not in our name!" said the possible changeling

"You just said our… and yes it is!" said Shadow Snark

"Even if I was a changeling, what would you do?" asked the almost definitely changeling

"Probably attempt to recruit you into my cadre of outcasts, given that a changeling in Ponyville doesn't likely have many friends." Said Shadow Snark

"FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS NO SOCIAL SKILLS, YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD AT DECIPHERING SITUATIONAL PROBLEMS!" yelled Shine Down

"He has no social skills?" asked Derpy

"My social skills are not the current topic." Said Shadow Snark

"Yes I believe we should go back to the original one." Said the Changeling, "You really have no quarrels with me being a changeling?" asked the Changeling

"No, why, should I?" asked Shadow Snark

"YES! ACCORDING TO ANCIENT TEXT SUCH CREATURES WOULD OVERTHROW CELESTIA AND ENCOMPASS THE WORLD IN SEXUAL DEVIATION!" yelled Shine Down

"Two things, no wait three things. First I don't believe in a solitary species being chaotic evil, second I only oppose that first part, and third, Changeling guy, are you planning on overthrowing Celestia?" said Shadow Snark

"No." said the Changeling, "I did plan on the whole sexual deviation thing, but I think us Changelings can do that without launching a war. I have already succeeded in lezzing out with a nerdy unicorn over in that big tree."

There was a short pause before Shadow Snark said, "You're a girl!?"

"What!? No! But I can assume the shape of one. As a result all Changelings are pretty much bi."

"That's pretty damn cool Changeling, hey what do we call you anyway?"

"YOU'RE LETTING HIM JOIN THE CADRE!?" asked Shine Down

"You're passing up a chance at sexual deviation?" asked Shadow Snark

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"Neither am I, but he can turn into a girl."

"YOU'RE BI, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!"

"My name's Uma o henko suru by the way." Said The Changeling

"Nice to meet you, I'm Shadow Snark. Oh and cousin, it's my cadre I get to decide who to let in."

"COUSIN I WONT STAND FOR THIS!"

"Well I will, and you don't have to like it, but I think this is good! And if it isn't we can just kill him later!"

"So I need a ride, my car's kinda totaled…" said Uma

"I WILL TOLERATE THIS ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE FAMILY! BUT I WILL NEITHER FEIGN FRIENDLYNESS NOR RIDE IN THE SAME CAR AS HIM… HER… IT!" said Shine Down

"Then how will you get home?" asked Derpy

There was yet another long period of silence

"OK I'LL RIDE WITH THE FREAK THIS ONE TIME, BUT THAT'S IT!" said Shine Down

And so everyone piled into the van and the drive was awkwardly silent due to this contrived plotline to add another character. Then Derpy hit Big Mac with the Derpymobile.

"Looks like he only has a sprained foreleg." Said Uma

"Eeyup." Said Big Mac

"Oh god no! This mishap will result in week long strife and eventual food poisoning!" Yelled Shadow Snark

"That's probably an over-reaction." Said Uma

One week later the gang was in the hospital with food poisoning.

"I knew this would happen!" Yelled Shadow Snark

"I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THIS FREAK!" Yelled Shine Down

"Can it, racist. I'm having enough trouble keeping this form without worrying about knifing me in my sleep." Said Uma

"This bagged punch is amazing!" said Derpy

"Grey pony, that's blood." Said Uma

"This is ridiculous." Said Shadow Snark, "Nurse get me my pen, parchment, and portal."

And she did, which Shadow used to write this letter

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_ I have learned yet another lesson from my friends. Today I learned that my cousin is an absolute racist and that my choosing of friends seems entirely based on sex. Whether or not that comes back to haunt me is to be determined, but he seems like a pretty cool guy for now. But as for the actual lesson, don't let your idiot friends drive or half the town will become hospitalized._

_ -Shadow Snark_

End of chapter 4


	5. Chapter 5

**Shadow Snark Chapter 5**

**By Sharona Magliozzo**

**With further consideration by**

**SexyCally**

Shadow awoke to a knock at his door. He walked to his door and opened it, he immediately regretted the decision as he was blasted in the face with confetti and assorted streamers.

"Howdy, howdy, howdy to you mister Shadow Snark! I want you to come to a party for a-"

"Pinky I hate songs, and I'm still nursing the hangover from your last party." Said Shadow Snark

"But this one's going to be to prove that all Griffons aren't ravenous douchecopters!"

"I've met Griffons, they're douchecopters."

"I thought you said that a race can't be totally chaotic evil." Said Uma now in the form of a blue unicorn girl

"Who's this, your girlfriend?" asked Pinky

"No, this is… Candy." Answered Shadow

"It's nice to meet you Candy!" said Pinky, "Will you come to the party?"

"Do I know you?"

"No. Would you like to come to my party?"

"How much sexual deviancy can I expect?"

"Some, maybe lots." Answered Pinky

"I'm in." responded Uma

"Well I'm still not, go home Pinky." Said Shadow Snark, then he slammed the door turned around and saw Pinky inexplicably standing directly behind him.

"How the moon did you do that?" asked Shadow Snark

"Easy, once you slammed the door I did a backflip into your chimney and stopped behind you." Answered Pinky

"Well ok, now that that's been solved get out of my house."

"Will you come to my party?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"I have no job parameters, girlfriend, and my pathetic excuses for companions aren't in immediate trouble."

"and I have no sense of impatience."

"Then it seems we've reached an impass. Want a piece of cake?"

"Sure!"

"It's outside."

And so Pinky predictably ran outside to get the nonexistent cake, as soon as she did Shadow slammed the door. Then he turned around and Pinky was behind him.

"What the? Oh right… the chimney." Said Shadow

"Nope. We used the backdoor." Said Pinky

"We?" asked Shadow

"Yeah we. This is great cake by the way." Said Uma

"What the… Uma there wasn't even cake out there." Said Shadow

"Uma? I thought her name was Candy? By the way want to come to my party?"

"No, now get out of my house or I'll harmlessly poke you with a small stick."

"What kind of a threat is that?" asked Uma

"Yeah, what kind of a threat is that?" asked Pinky

"Well I don't like the thought of Pinky getting hurt, be it from me or the authorities. So I have come up with a non-violent solution to our problems."

"Poking her with a stick?" asked Uma

"Yup."

"You wouldn't really do that!"

Shadow then poked her with a small stick

"Leaf." Said Shadow Snark through a mouthful of stick

"Two can play at this game!" said Pinky grabbing a fireplace poker in her teeth

"I think there's room for one more." Said Uma also grabbing a metal rod

Shadow Snark tried to poke Pinky with his stick but she parried, and he was poked with Uma's rod.

"Ow! What the moon Uma!? I thought you were on my side!" He said

"Every whatever gender I am for his or her self!" shouted Uma

"TO THE DEATH!" yelled Pinky

"You are both off your damn rockers!" yelled Shadow Snark

Pinky lunged, Shadow deflected the attack then Uma swiped and Shadow dodged. He jumped to Pinky's side and tried to flank her, but she parried. Then Uma tried to catch him from the side but only managed to hit Shadows hard iron wings. Shadow spun around to catch Uma in the face but he (she?) ducked and then jabbed at pinky who parried. The battle continued for 8 more minutes by which time the whole thing had become an argument about who could do the coolest sword fighting moves.

"Ok, ok swipe at my legs and I'll jump up and try to hit you in the head, but you block. Then Uma you shoot a fireball at me from your dragon form and I'll block it with my wings." Said Shadow Snark

"Wait weren't we going to do something?" asked Pinky

"Oh right your party!" exclaimed Shadow

"Will you come now?" asked Pinky Pie

"Well… I guess so… but I'm going to just hang out in the corner and drink punch!" said Shadow Snark

"I'll take it!" exclaimed Pinky Pie, "and bring the Changeling! He'll be a hit!"

"Oh god no Pinky, you can't tell anyone about Uma, the only reason you can know is you're totally non-judgmental and kind of insane." Said Shadow

"That's crazy no one would judge Uma for being a Changeling!" said Pinky

Later at the party

"So Twilight Sparkle, what's your view on Changelings?" asked Shadow Snark

"Those mythical creatures foretold to overthrow Celestia, and bring about an eternity of darkness and sexual deviancy?" said Twilight

"There ain't nothin' in there 'bout darkness, just deviancy." Said Uma now disguised as a silver stallion with a yoyo as a cutie mark

"Do I know you?" asked Twilight

"Yes, very well in fact." Said Uma

Pinkie Pie then scooted Uma and Shadow Snark away

"Ok that was bad. Let's go see Applejack." She said and then pushed them toward Applejack

"Applejack! You're not judgmental!" yelled Pinky

"No but I am smashed." Said Applejack

"Wow two for two you're doing great." Said Shadow Snark

Then Pinky pushed them toward Rarity

"Rarity, what's your view of Changelings!?" Yelled Pinky

"Oh dreadful crea-" said Rarity, then Pinky pushed them toward Rainbow Dash

"RAINBOWDASHWHATSYOURVIEWONCH ANGELINGS!?" shouted Pinky

"Why? Do you see one!? I'll kick its flanks!" yelled Rainbow Dash then Pinky scooted them to Fluttershy

"Hey Fluttershy." Said Shadow Snark

"Oh… Hey Shadow Snark… I see you decided to stay here." Said Fluttershy

"Yeah… so how have you been?"

"This is weird."

"Seriously what happened between you two?" asked Pinky

"It's a long story." Said Shadow Snark and Fluttershy

"OH SCREW IT! SHADOW YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME! PINKY OUT!" and then she left

"So what's your view on Changelings?" asked Shadow

"I don't really believe the ancient texts."

"Cool." Said Shadow and Uma

The party then became pure chaos when Gilda the Griffon arrived and… well we all remember the episode. Anyway after she left in a huff and broke up with Rainbow Dash, Shadow got smashed, did the worm, and went home to drunkenly write a letter to Celestia.

_Dear Princess Celestia_

_ Today I learned an important lesson about friendship… I think… look I'm still pretty smashed. Regardless I think the lesson is that an awesome swordfight is a great way to open up to people. Also only crazy people and jilted ex-lovers are willing to keep secrets and not be racist. Actually that orange pony with the nice flanks your star pupil hung around with might not have been racist but she was totally hammered. Oh speaking of Twilight Sparkledid you know she's a lesbian? Or at least bi. Oh and she was totally useless in that Griffon incident tonight. Oh look a dragon that's new._

_ -Shadow Snark_

As Celestia read this she couldn't help but form a smile.

"So Twilight's bi and hanging out with drunkards? She's really improved."

End Chapter 5


	6. Chapter 6

**Shadow Snark Chapter 6**

**By Sharona Magliozzo**

Shadow Snark was annoyed. Derpy and Shine Down had dragged him to see a magician this night, and he couldn't comprehend the concept.

"We live in a world full of unicorns that could do this stuff on a whim." Said Shadow

"Well maybe she's more powerful." Said Uma now in the form of Candy

"Uma, what are you doing here?" asked Shadow

"I came to see the show. Rumor has it this unicorn can match any feat put against her, and I intend to see how well she changes." Said Uma

"Don't you think that might reveal your true identity?"

"Course not, it's a magic show. Everyone will think it's just part of the act."

"Uma I do this as a friend." Said Shadow Snark then hit Uma over the head with an iron wing knocking him out. Tragically it also caused him to revert back to his normal form.

"Oh damn." Said Shadow

"I don't think anyone saw him, cover him up with a blanket." Said Shine Down

"Why? It's a magic show, everyone will think it's just part of the act." Said Derpy

"I'm sure they will Derpy, but Uma looks pretty cold." Said Shadow

"Get him home. The last thing we need is to be associated with Changelings." Said Shine Down

And so Shadow took a pony sized blanket with a massive lump over his back and walked through the streets of Ponyville until the inevitable happened and a pony called out to him, "Hey you what's in that there blanket?"

"Oh uh nothing just you know… moustaches." Said Shadow Snark, surprisingly the pony seemed to except that, that very moment Uma regained consciousness and rustled around in the bag.

"I aint got none knowledge 'bout no moustache dat done be a movin'." Said the pony

"Two things, first off, that was barely equestrian. Second the moustaches I picked up must have actually been… caterpillars." Said Shadow Snark, this too seemed to take until Uma (who had apparently morphed back into Candy and thus had an innocent sounding female voice) had said, "Ugh… Shadow… where am I? All I remember is you knocking me unconscious. Where are we going, the house? I'm feeling up to anything and interested in various sex based actions I wouldn't normally recommend."

There was a brief pause while everyone took in what had just been said

"Well… that was taken horribly out of context." Said Shadow Snark

"I'm getting my shotgun." Said the pony

"Shit." Said Shadow Snark, then ran. He turned and turned, and with each turn he could feel the other pony getting closer. He knew there was only one way out without getting an ass full of buckshot, the Everfree Forest. He knew that there were rumors about the forest, but it was that or a shotgun so he ran in. As he ran in the shotgun wielding pony did not follow. Once he was a sufficient distance into the forest he dropped the blanket and unwrapped Uma.

"Uma, get up." Said Shadow Snark

"What happened Shadow?" said Uma, still in his Candy form

"Well, I knocked you out to keep you from exposing your identity, but that caused you to revert into your default form. So I wrapped you in a blanket to avoid revealing your identity, but then you turned into Candy and someone thought I was about to rape you so I ran into the Everfree forest." Said Shadow

"Oh dear, that's concerning, even Changelings fear to tread in this forest." Said Uma

"With good reason this place is creepy as the moon."

Then a howl erupted from nearby and a wolf made entirely of wood jumped in front of them.

"A timber wolf!" yelled Uma

"That joke is so hackneyed!" yelled Shadow Snark

"Run!" yelled Uma, then three more timber wolves jumped out blocking their path from all sides.

"New plan, fight these damn wolves." Said Shadow

"I'm not very strong!" Said Uma

"You're a shapeshifter! The solution is obvious!" yelled Shadow

"Oh yeah." said Uma, then he transformed into a massive golden spider and crushed one of the wolves

"Ummm… ok that works." Said Shadow as Uma mercilessly crushed Timber wolves. Then Shadow Snark let down his guard confident Uma could destroy all the wolves, then a wolf bit him in the leg.

"GAH! CELESTIA FORBID!" shouted Shadow, then hit the offending wolf with his solid iron wings knocking it unconscious or possibly killing it depending on how you think of Shadow's character. "Huh, what do you know these things are good for something." He muttered, then took a step forward and immediately regretted it, "GAH! CELESTIA FORBID!" he yelled again.

"Shadow, what's wrong!?" asked Uma now in his default form

"One of those things bit me!" yelled Shadow, "The wood's stuck in there. GAH! By Celestia it's like I've been stabbed again!"

"That looks bad, get on my back, I'll turn into a dragon so I can escort you more easily." Said Uma, then he turned into a dragon and Shadow got on his back, Uma then took off through the woods

"So you can turn into a dragon?" said Shadow

"Yes, but fire is hard to work." Said Uma

"What exactly is your limit of transformation?" asked Shadow

"Nigh unlimited." Said Uma, "But powers are difficult to use. Changelings naturally have wings so we can fly easily, but in unicorn and alicorn forms we have limited magical abilities. As for creatures of insurmountable strength such as dragons and Ursa Majors, we do get a strength boost, but have substantially less strength than the actual being. That golden spider? Normally takes a negaspark spellbomb to destroy. The only reason they ain't around anymore is they couldn't breed properly."

"Man, wish I had shapeshifting powers."

"You mentioned you'd been stabbed before, how'd that happen?"

"I got drunk at the princesses suggestion and picked a fight with Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard. He stabbed me."

"Wow that sucks." Said Uma

"Hey where are we going anyway?" asked Shadow Snark

Uma stopped, "Oh uh… I don't know." He said, then without warning a teapot hit Shadow in the head.

"Go away you stupid louse, I've had enough of you burning my herbs, and destroying my house!" said a zebra standing in front of a hut

"Oh uh… I'm not really a dragon, I'm a regular earth pony see?" said Uma, then he transformed into his earth pony stallion form

"Your idiocy is truly an unmatched thing, never before have I met a more stupid changeling." Said the zebra

"Earth ponies can't change into dragons you psychopathic dunce." Said Shadow Snark

"Oh… right… I'm actually a unicorn and this is an illusion." He said before reverting to his Candy form

"I'm not that stupid, and your friend is in pain, come in to be healed and get out of the rain." Said the zebra

"It's not raining." Said Shadow Snark

Then it started raining.

"Now that's just ridiculous." Said Shadow

Uma then carried the injured Shadow into the zebra's hut, where the zebra administered a salve which somehow immediately cured the gaping wound left by a wolf bite.

"Yeah, cause that's realistic." Said Shadow Snark

"What's your name, zebra?" asked Uma

"Why, Zecora would be my name. But I think that I should ask you the same."

"I'm Uma."

"I'm Shadow Snark, what are you doing out here anyway?"

"I live here occasionally to lend a hand, but for the most part to be closer to the land." Said Zecora

"I was kind of expecting a huge backstory." Said Uma

"Have you ever tried doing that in rhyme? It takes up way too much time!" said Zecora

"Hey, it seems kinda lonely out here." Said Shadow

"At times, hence the reason I think up all these rhymes." Said Zecora

"You wanna be friends? I locked myself away before and couldn't relate to society when I got out, I wouldn't want the same to happen to such a cute zebra." Said Shadow Snark

"I'd like it a lot to be friends Shadow Snark, but don't get your hopes up for any activities in the dark."

"Pretty convenient I have a name that rhymes with dark huh?"

"I could find a way to make it fit. The truth of the matter, my idea bulbs ALWAYS lit."

And so Shadow became friends with Zecora. After a few more rhyming sessions (which I'm not writing because those are tedious as hell to think of) Zecora led Shadow and Uma out of the woods, they said their goodbyes and Shadow walked back to the house.

"WHERE THE MOON HAVE YOU BEEN!?" yelled Shine Down when Shadow walked through the door.

"I was almost shot with a shotgun, I got bit by a timber wolf, was lost in the forest, and accused of rape. I'm not in the mood, and if you'll excuse me I have a letter to write." Said Shadow

The letter went like this

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_ I learned an important lesson tonight, if your friends are about to get themselves hurt, the appropriate action is not to knock them right the moon out. That will get you accused of rape and then you'll have to fight timber wolves and spend the rest of the night with a bleeding leg. By the way I got a new friend._

_ -Shadow Snark_

End chapter 6

Primary authors notes: yeah this one wasn't great, but I had to explain some stuff and get Zecora in somehow.

Secondary authors notes: I actually like it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Shadow Snark 7**

**By Sharona Magliozzo**

Shadow Snark was woken abruptly by Derpy one morning.

"Shadow! Shadow! A huge dragon is going to kill us all!" she said

"Derpy, are you really waking me up in the morning to talk about dragons?" said Shadow

"It's not the morning! It's three in the afternoon!"

"Well it's morning for me. At Shine Down's request I went to a… ugh… nightclub last night. It was awful, there were _others_ there."

There was a brief pause

"Back to the dragon…" said Derpy

"Derpy, I'm sure you just left muffins in the oven to long, producing smoke again." Said Shadow

Then Shine Down ran into the bedroom.

"CELESTIA'S SHIT COUSIN! THERE'S A CELESTIA DAMN DRAGON OUTSIDE!" He said

"Oh dear Celestia, no!" said Shadow

"I was just warning you about that!" said Derpy haughtily

"Derpy, this is serious! We don't have any time for your antics!" said Shadow

Then Uma came in, wearing the form of a red male Pegasus with a purple and orange mane and a seashell as a cutie mark.

"Hey y'all what are we doin' in Shadow's room, plot exposition?" asked Uma

"ARE WE LETTING IT IN THE HOUSE NOW!?" asked Shine Down

"I have a name." said Uma

"YEAH? AND WHAT IS IT? UMA? CANDY? YO-YO? WHATEVER THIS ONE IS CALLED!?"

"You may call it Scarlet Waves."

"Guys focus! There is a Celestia damn dragon out there! Uma turn into the golden spider god thing and go kill it!" yelled Shadow

"Oh yeah, that's why I came here, to tell you about the dragon." Said Uma

"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM!?" asked Shadow

"They're sending a strike force in to deal with dragon." Said Uma

"Praise Celestia."

"It's got Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinky Pie, and Fluttershy in it."

"That doesn't make me feel better!" said Shadow

"Why?" asked everyone

"We're sending in a grad student with crippling OCD, a drunk, a psychotic narcissist, a diva, a… well there's just too much wrong with Pinky Pie to describe… and the figure skater to fight a damn dragon!? THAT'S WHY I'M WORRIED!" yelled Shadow

There was a brief pause.

"How is Fluttershy a figure skater?" asked Uma

"Oh she's not into that anymore? I just remember her having a bunch of Neighda Aksamija posters." Said Shadow

"Ok seriously, how do you know her?" Asked Derpy

"Nothing, it's… we went to high school together. It's complicated!" said Shadow

"Wait… when I was talking to her the other day, she mentioned she went to school with Rainbow Dash, why doesn't she remember going to school with you?" asked Derpy

"Well she really just shoved me into lockers back then, and called me uncreative nicknames, like Lead Wings, No Fly, and Rusty."

"Rusty?" asked Derpy

"Iron wings… they rust."

"Oh hey that's creative!" said Uma

"No it is not! And besides she wasn't a bad mare, it was that bitch mare friend of hers Gilda."

"Wait I have another problem. When I was snooping around Fluttershy's house the other day trying to see if she was into anything kinky- she's a furry by the way- I found a yearbook, and you weren't in it." Said Uma

"Were there any pictures cut out?"

"Tons, from prom, garden club, poets society, sections of the athletics page."

"All me." Said Shadow

"Why?" asked everypony

"That's private! Can we talk about something else?" said Shadow

"What else is there?" asked Derpy

"Uhh… I met a Zebra." Said Shadow

"Having sex with me in zebra form does not count as meeting a zebra." Said Uma

"I meant Zecora, ya douche." Said Shadow

"You two had sex?" asked Derpy

"YOU WENT TO ZECORA!?" yelled Shine Down

"Yeah, what's the problem?" asked Shadow

"SHE'S EVIL!"

"How so?"

"SHE COMES IN EVERY MONTH AND DIGS AT THE GROUND! AND SHE EATS HAY!"

"I eat hay." Said Shadow

"So do I." said Derpy

"I feed on the energy from sexual desire. But it tastes like hay." Said Uma

"YOU CANT GO TO ZECORA! THERES A WHOLE SONG ABOUT IT! I'M LEAVING 'TIL YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES!" said Shine Down, then he left

"Who'd write a song about it?" said Shadow

Then Shine Down came back in

"Ok there's still a damn dragon out there, BUT I AM NO LESS PISSED! I'M GOING TO BED!" said Shine Down

And then he went to bed. He slept soundly despite his anger at Shadow's message of racial tolerance, then he was awoken by Shadow.

"HAVE YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES COUSIN?" he asked

"No there's someone I'd like you to meet." Said Shadow

"I understand you think malevolent, but I'll show you that that is not it." Said Zecora

"That's a bit stretch for a rhyme." Said Shadow

The next thing Shadow knew Shine Down was across the room throwing objects telling Zecora to leave, she eventually ran out of the house where three floral cutie marked ponies saw her yelling obscenities at Shine Down, got the wrong idea, ran into their house and set off an alarm.

"That could have gone better." Said Shadow Snark, overlooking the chaos encompassing Ponyville.

"Eh, you can't win them all." Said Uma who was standing next to him for some reason in his Candy form

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you can't just expect everything to go right."

"I don't! In fact I'm horribly cynical about the results of my actions!"

"Then why did you introduce Zecora to Shine Down? What the moon did you expect to happen?" asked Uma

"I DON'T KNOW!" yelled Shadow

"Hey guys we're back from the dragon, whoa what happened here?" said Twilight now returning from her adventure of self improvement

"Me, I happened." Said Shadow, then he left

"That's… like really ambiguous Shadow!" said Twilight

"Give him time Twi." Said Uma

"Do I know you?" said Twilight Sparkle

"Yes, very well in fact." Said Uma

"Why do ponies I don't know keep saying that!?" asked Twilight

"Maybe, they're all the same pony!" said Uma

There was a short pause

"What!?" asked Twilight

"I've said too much! Teleport!" yelled Uma before teleporting 2 feet away

"Right… power nerfing." Said Uma

"What!?" said Twilight

Meanwhile back at the house, Shadow was writing a letter to Princess Celestia

_Dear Princess Celestia, _

_ Today I learned that I need to keep my damn mouth shut around my friends. They try to get so many private details out of you, that you change the subject and introduce your racist cousin to a zebra and launch the entire town into chaos._

_-Shadow Snark_

End 7


	8. Chapter 8

**Shadow Snark Chapter 8**

**By Sharona and Cally**

"HEY COUSIN! WHERE YA GOIN'?" asked Shine Down as his cousin exited the house with a suitcase in… hoof? Mouth? Something, the point is he had a suitcase.

"I'm going to Stalliongrad, important scribe business."

Then Derpy and Shine Down laughed uproariously

"Scribe business?" asked Derpy, "What could that be? A mismailed letter?"

Then Shine Down and Derpy laughed, and Uma entered also laughing. When the laughter died down Uma asked, "What's everyone laughing about?"

"SHADOW SAYS HE HAS IMPORTANT SCRIBE BUSINESS!" Yelled Shine Down

Then everyone laughed again, when _that_ laughter died down, Uma asked, "What happened a mismailed letter!?"

Then Shine Down and Derpy laughed again.

"It's funny because that's what Shine Down said earlier!" said Derpy

"Are you three quite done?" asked Shadow, unamused

"Yeah we're good." Said Uma

"It was a mismailed letter." Said Shadow

Everyone laughed again

"My replacement, ass clown-"

"THAT'S NOT HIS REAL NAME." said Shine Down

"He's a donkey, but that's not the point. The point is he mailed a letter to the head Chancellor of Stalliongrad- who is married by the way- asking how many BJ's he'd like to receive from Princess Celestia."

There was a brief pause.

"Who was that supposed to go to?" asked Uma

"Knowing her? Any unmarried stallion."

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! SHE DOESN'T SEEM THE TYPE!" yelled Shine Down

"She's the type."

"Did you and her ever, ya know, do the dew?" asked Uma

"No. She's kind of a cocktease. Now I'm leaving, if anything breaks I'm not paying for it."

Then he left on a train to Stalliongrad, unaware of what would await him exactly one week later.

**Exactly one week later**

A powerful storm was raging while Shadow was walking along the forest path, mumbling

"Stupid friends, not telling me about the storm, now I'm walking through a forest with what are basically giant lightning rods on my back."

Lightning struck and a timber wolf howled nearby

"And there's wolves about, that's just brilliant."

Then lightning struck a tree next to Shadow, the tree then fell over onto a bush that looked suspiciously similar to Shadow. After a short pause Shadow remarked, "I've got to find shelter." So he ran through the forest until he came upon Zecora's house. "Zecora, I need-" started Shadow then he was hit in the face with a tea kettle.

"Away spirit! You are not welcome here! I've had enough of psychosis and fear!" said Zecora

"It's me! Shadow!"

"A comment most queer, why would Shadow be out here? You must lack a brain. Shadow Snark can't go out in rain!"

"I was away on important scribe business!"

"Ha, and what was that? A mismailed letter, you stupid twat?"

"I've had enough of that running gag!"

"I have no time for such peddle! Leave or be hit with kettle!"

"Peddle!? That's not even used correctly!" said Shadow, then he was hit in the face with a tea kettle again.

"How many of those do you have?" he yelled

"Do you want to find out? If not then get out!"

So Shadow ran away hoping to find somewhere to hole up in, eventually he found a cave.

"Oh thank Celestia! Now I'll be safe." He said, then thunder cracked forebodingly

"Well that's not a good sign." He said, but went in anyway

He went inside and found a nice pelt to lay on. Eventually he fell asleep listening to the pitter patter of the rain.

Then he awoke with hot breath going into his face.

"What. Are. You. Doing. In my cave, little pony." Asked the breathing creature

Shadow opened his eyes to see a large gold dragon breathing in his face.

"Oh by Celestia, um… I'm sorry sir-"

"SIR!? YOU LOOK UPON THE FACE OF PURE, UNDILUTED BEAUTY AND ADDRESS ME AS _SIR!?"_

"I'm sorry! All dragons look the same aside from coloration!"

"How would you like it if I said that about you ponies?"

"Not bad. It's fairly accurate."

"Mmm, I suppose we would look somewhat similar to… lesser beings."

"And I am so lesser!"

"But what are you doing in my cave?"

"I wanted to get out of the rain, and didn't know it was a dragon cave."

"The horde didn't tip you off?" then the dragon and Shadow looked slightly to the left to spy a giant pile of gold

"I honestly don't know how I missed that. I'll just leave now." Said Shadow

"Oh no stay! You're just in time… for dinner." Said the dragon

"Wait that can mean two things…"

"Well aren't you bright…"

"I hope you like the taste of tetanus, metal wings."

"My kind can digest minerals. Any last words?"

"What's your name?"

"Huh?"

"Well I just want to know your name…"

"An unusual request, but ok. My name is Crystal, it was nice talking with you."

"How was your day Crystal?"

"Umm… it was fine. I think I'll eat you now."

"Did you do anything interesting?"

"Uhh… yes I found a large mass of sapphires and ran into a friend of mine Jewel Scale."

"Mmm hmm. Tell me about her."

This continued for hours, he learned pretty much everything about Crystals life and the storm eventually subsided, by the time it was morning this was the conversation they were on.

"And I guess that's why I don't trust men anymore, my father. He was never around I mean we're reptile's so we abandon our young, but still… it hurt."

"I am so sorry, that must be tough."

"Wow, I've never told anyone so much about myself. Sorry to unload on you like that."

"I didn't mind, but I think you might want to talk to a professional. My listening skills only go so far."

"I'm going to feel super guilty about eating you."

"Oh come on!"

"What!? To me you look like a ham! Do you feel guilty eating a ham?"

"I'm a pony I eat hay!"

"Oh… hay is technically alive."

"You're just a sociopath!"

"Look, you are the perfect blend of mineral and meat. You're irresistible!"

"Great, the one person who finds me irresistible, and she wants to eat me."

"I really am sorry about this…" said Crystal

"Can I at least go to the bathroom first?" asked Shadow

"What? No… do you think I'm an idiot, you'll just runaway!"

"Look, I don't want my last memories to be crapping myself in fear before being eaten. Do you want me crapping in your mouth or something?"

"Ew, no, you can go… but outside, that's a Mediter-mane-ian rug."

So they went outside so Shadow could go to the bathroom.

"Well, go." Said Ruby

"I can't do it with you watching!" said Shadow

"If I turn my head, you'll run away."

"I CAN'T GO!"

"Make due!"

"Look my diet is… zero percent protein. You don't want to watch."

"Ew ok I'm turning my head."

Crystal then turned her head, and after a few moments of silence she asked, "So you doin' ok over there? Shadow? Oh Celestia forbid it!" then she looked back to see that Shadow had predictably run back to his house.

When Shadow returned home he was greeted in the living room by Shine Down.

"OH HEY COUSIN! WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT!" he said. Then Shadow proceeded to smack him across the face with a wing.

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE SENT A LETTER SAYING 'HEY COUSIN, THERE'S A MASSIVE STORM COMING AND YOUR WINGS ARE A CELESTIA DAMNED LIGHTNING ROD!?' HUH!?" yelled Shadow

"THAT WAS A SOLID METAL WING COUSIN!"

"Shut up Shine Down. I have to go write a letter."

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_ Keep track of your damn mail. Because of you I had to listen to a dragons boy problems and almost got eaten. Oh and seriously, no one can send a freakin' letter through the obsidian portal? That's why I carry a portable! I mean I ended up escaping because my wits and psychological training from back when my parents thought my cutie mark meant I was going to be a psychologist, but still I could have died!_

_-Shadow Snark_


	9. Chapter 9

**Shadow Snark 9**

Shadow Snark was asleep on a couch when he heard a knock upon his door, he opened it to see Twilight Sparkle.

"Twilight? Oh Celestia, what are you doing here at this ungodly hour?" asked Shadow Snark

"Three o clock in the afternoon?" responded Twilight

"It's three?" asked Shadow Snark

Then Uma in his yo-yo form and Derpy walked up behind him

"Yeah you missed a whole plotline man." Said Uma

"We both took the P.O.N.E.'s and the test results got switched, and I acted like I was smarter than him until the mix up was discovered." Said Derpy

"It was freakin' hilarious." Said Uma

"Aw man I wanted to see that…" said Shadow

"Back to the point at hand…" said Twilight, "Zecora's not evil."

"I've known that for months! You're just figuring this out?" said Shadow

Then Shine Down walked in

"HEY COUSIN! DID YOU HEAR ZECORA'S NOT EVIL ANYMORE? I GUESS I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH HER NOW!" he said

"Oh come on! That's horseshit, you're ridiculously opposed to minorities, and then Twilight here says 'everything's good, no need to hate anymore' and there's no opposition whatsoever?" yelled Shadow

"WELL SHE HAD GOOD POINTS!"

"I gave you good points a week ago!"

"Can I leave?" asked Twilight

"Sure, I think I'll go visit Zecora anyway. Figure we should celebrate all the good news."

So then Shadow walked to Zecora's house to celebrate

"Hey Zecora, I heard you've been accepted into civilized society, with little to no hassle. Wanna party?" he asked

Then Pinky, Uma, and Derpy popped out of nowhere and Pinky yelled, "DID SOMEONE SAY PARTY?" and shot a cannon full of confetti in his face

"Gotta learn to phrase things better."

"TO LATE! IT'S ALREADY BEEN PHRASED POORLY!" and she fired the cannon again

"Pinky, we mere hours ago don't you think you should take it slow?" said Zecora

"NO!" she yelled and fired the cannon again

"How much ammo is in that thing?" asked Shadow

"ENOUGH TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!" yelled Pinky

"Don't break anything in here, or the resulting effect will be most queer." Cautioned Zecora

"I HAVE NO SENSE OF SELF CONTROL!" yelled Pinky, she fired the cannon yet again, this time knocking a bottle off a shelf and spreading a strange smoke around the hut.

"Oh shit." Said Zecora, her lack of rhyme implying genuine threat

When the smoke cleared Shadow realized he was no longer standing on all fours, he didn't even seem to have all fours, just two unfamiliar legs and his forelegs replace by some kind of length with 5 other extensions rather than hooves. All his fur was gone too and his face had receded into a flat near featureless thing.

"What happened?" asked Shadow

"I just don't know!" said Derpy, in similar form but skinnier and with large orbs protruding from the front.

"My human essence was knocked to the floor! None of you are allowed here anymore!" said Zecora

"What are these things?" asked Pinky playing with her orbs

"They are called tits, knockers, or boobs my dear, from them you have nothing to fear." Said Pinky

"Think you could cover up? I'm gettin' kinda turned on over here." Said Uma

"Yeah, it's weird. We didn't wear clothes before all this… but it's different now."

"I'm kinda likin' the view…" said Pinky

"Control you urges silly mares! You know not yet how your new body fairs."

"Only one way to find out." Said Shadow

"No orgies in my hut! The last thing I need is to be called a slut!" said Zecora

"Well it doesn't need to leave this room!" said Uma

"I don't know if I can do it with Uma…" said Derpy

"You do look kinda like a corpse, man." said Shadow, "Not that I mind."

"Well maybe I can change…" said Uma and changed into what his Candy form would look like as a human.

"Can you also switch to Yo-Yo and Crimson Wave?" asked Shadow

"If it doesn't leave this room I guess I'd be ok… but if you tell anyone your skin I will flay."

Then princess Celestia and multiple others came into the hut to join the orgy, sweat glistening on their naked human bod-

"STOP!" yelled Shadow bringing us back to reality. "Pinky this is the most illogical thing I've ever heard and I listen to the Hoof Limbaugh show." He said

"That's really more a shot at you, than it is her." Said Twilight also listening to Pinky's illogical story (You didn't think I'd seriously pull this ridiculous plotline did you?)

"Hey, this really happened. Zecora just gave us a magic herb to make us forget afterwards." Said Pinky

"I liked your story, Pinky." Said Derpy

"Shut up Derpy. Pinky even if Zecora did have a potion that makes Ponies into these inane… humans. Why would we automatically propose an orgy?" Said Shadow

"Why wasn't I in the story longer?" asked Twilight

"It wasn't a story!" yelled Pinky

Then Zecora walked in

"Zecora tell them I'm not lying." Said Pinky

"About what, if you'd please?" asked Zecora

"Shape shifting and orgies." Said Derpy

"You cannot have possibly known that Derpy was going to say something that rhymed with please." Said Shadow

"Remember Zecora when I accidentally broke that potion in your house and we all turned into humans and we had that massive orgy with Princess Celestia, then you gave us an herb to make us forget?" asked Pinky

"That's spookily accurate to something I have in my brew, but I don't recall ever giving it to you." Said Zecora

"So wait… you actually do have a potion that makes ponies human and desire orgies?" asked Shadow Snark

"Yes indeed, want to try it and have all inhibitions freed?" asked Zecora

"That sounds great!" said Shadow

"Can we join?" asked everyone else

"Sure." said Shadow

Then everyone cheered and Princess Celestia came in and-

"Pinky I mean it stop." Said Shadow

"Oh come on it's a good story!" said Pinky

"Pinky, Applejack dreams up better stories when she passes out after a bender." Said Twilight

"Only one of her drunken fantasies won a Nobel Laureate!" yelled Pinky

"Who's this Uma?" asked Twilight

"A changeling." Said Pinky

"Those don't exist pinky."

"Of course they do!"

"And Princess Celestia would never partake in an orgy."

"She totally would." Said Shadow

"What!? No way she doesn't seem the type." Said Twilight

"She is." Said Shadow

"Can we get back to my story? Because Princess Celestia comes in and-"

"Pinky stop!" said both Twilight and Shadow, "We're discussing our Goddess emperor's sexual identity." Said Shadow

"I don't believe she'd do that." Said Twilight

"She would." Said Shadow Snark

"GUUUUUUUUUYS! Listen, this is a true story!" said Pinky

"No it isn't Pinky." Said Shadow Snark

"The first part is!" said Pinky

"Where we turned into humans?" asked Shadow

"NO! Where Zecora became accepted by everypony!"

"Well duh. But the whole story isn't true."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"Pinky don't make me get my small harmless stick."

"Oh god no, my one weakness… that and histrionic disorder."

There was a brief silence

"That escalated quickly." Said Shadow

"Regardless it was true story, Zecora deleted everyones memory at the end." Said Pinky

"That's it I'm getting my small harmless stick."

"Ok! Ok. It wasn't true."

"Thank you."

"OR WAS IT!?" said Pinky

"It wasn't." said Shadow

"OR WAS IT!?"

"PINKY!"

"Ok fine, not true."

_**End chapter 9**_

"OR WAS IT!?"

"GAH! CELESTIA FORBID!"


End file.
